By Nelson Schneider - 03/07/26 at 07:37 PM CT
It’s that time of year, again! The coming of March means that MeltedJoystick’s very own Resident Evil (and Biohazard), Chris, is another year older and another year more irredeemably corrupted. Last year, it was Time to Duel, as I revealed 10 different forms of Chris that were resident in Konami’s Yu-Gi-Oh! Trading Card Game, Duel Monsters.
Well, I’ve still been playing a LOT of "Master Duel," and it turns out that the game’s late creator and original artist DEFINITELY had Chris on the brain, as there are EVEN MORE of them than the ones I looked at last year.
"A vaguely-abstract representation of an out-of-shape naked man daydreaming about his hidden potential by flexing while riding on the back of a paper airplane just feels too familiar to anyone who deals with Chris on a regular basis."
"Known internationally as ‘Greedy Goblin,’ this character has his own riches-to-rags story arc told through the variety of support cards featuring his likeness. Of course, he’s very much like Chris in that he is a psychotic hoarder when it comes to Pots of Greed (or Jars of Greed, or really any kind of card that lets you draw more cards, no matter how severe the associated drawback)."
"On the back end of his riches-to-rags story, Greedy Goblin is forced to become a dumpster diver, willing to take anything that might be valuable enough to hawk on eBay. Sadly, Chris has sold most of his hoarded junk, and is still left with a huge amount of stuff nobody wants. To make matters worse, he has been spending huge amounts of his free time scrounging around in my outbuildings looking for treasures – which never appear. It’s all just scrap."
"Chris has long had a reputation of being so sedentary that he literally collects dust. When he and Nick were roommates, Nick was constantly on the alert for a mysterious substance known as ‘Chris Dander’ that settled on every surface in the house. There’s an entire deck archetype based on ‘Duston’ cards, which are, as far as I’m concerned, what Chris Dander looks like under a microscope."
"Potans are a sort of weird, blobby, little gremlins who look completely harmless... and are completely harmless. The white one in particular captures Chris’ pale squishiness and vacant expression. Plus, you can tell that those crazy arms are just itching to touch every Dorito in the snack bowl."
"The obligatory “vegetable” entry in this list."
"This blobby little creature could almost be cute... if it didn’t look like you’d lose a finger if you tried to pet it. That juxtaposition of ‘disarming’ and ‘destructive’ is an essential component of Chris-ness."
"Chris loves donuts so much, I’m sure he’d like to be one. And if he was one, he’d be this one. It’s a vindictive and spiteful pastry that flips-out and punches down on weaklings (like itself). If only Chris’ online handle, “Hurto,” could get him a marketing deal with Hurts Donuts."
"Of the two mammals that Chris most resembles, wiggly noses are a staple of their whole vibe. And neither one of those mammals is “human.”"
"The only word in this thing's name that DOESN’T describe Chris is “of.”"
